Today's Buggery

I'm on lunch waiting to hear how Heather's first day is going, so I figured I'd make a quick tour through the blogosphere.

As usual, I started here to get the news of the day. He's got a rather nice post about why escalators should swallow children (or at least suburbanite children who resemble pigs). I left him a nice comment as did my pal from StinkWeasel Stories (of course, I cruised over to her blog to see the what what; I don't reallly know what that means, but MC Search said it on White Rapper, so I figured I'd go along). I was happy to read that she still hates the fucking stupid people.

I went back to alphablog to see whether he'd (or she'd, due to the animated turtle, we're still waiting on confirmation of gender) replied to a comment I made yesterday. Sadly, s/he had not. But this smart boy did. So, I popped over to his place only to learn that he's got to switch dissertation topics, becuase the board denied him. That's sad. I recognize that he likely put in long hours on the project, so I left some words of encouragement for him. Then I noticed that the trailor trash cowboy junky also left him some words of encouragement. I couldn't resist ripping on him a bit. Ha ha. I mean seriously, he offered educational career advice to this poor fella, but at his own blog makes posts like "Phuk Skul". That's so awesome. I can't wait to drink Old Milwakee Lights in the parking lot before a Judas Priest show with that silly hick.

Then I took a breath and checked out the list. My favorite search terms this time: it's a tie. I love "Recent Pictures of Joey Lawrence Shirtless", but how could I not also love "Celebration Peeing Movie List".

During the last stretch, I went here . He's got a funny bit about a child nearly peeing in a closet and definitely falling down some stairs (I love when kids fall; actually I love when anyone falls. Want to see me pee my pants: have a fall). I'm beginning to think he's a rather sick bastard: I said that in a what I think is a rather funny comment here; incidentally (you all know how much I love and misuse that word all over the place), for the fans of the Bunny, she may be blogging again. I like to think I had something to do with that. Here's a response she made to one of my comments at her place, "You almost make me wish I still blogged". That was nearly a month ago. She's made several posts since. Hmmm. Also during that stretch, I checked out the first of three blondes I now sort of don't really know (no updates, awww). Then, I hit the second of three blondes I now sort of don't really know: she's still rockin that creepy half bacterium / half dildo pic. Sexxxy. And then, I surfed over to the third blonde I now sort of don't really know (she's a scosh filthy, but well worth reading---trust her, she's a blonde).

Finally, I checked out the deltahouse to see what ole flounder is up to. Nothing: I hope he didn't actually freeze.

Overall, I rate this trip through the sphere a four: it had a good beat, but I couldn't dance to it.

Action Figures or Afghans

Here's a comment I left over at bunny's place a while back when asked what Han Solo did with all the hair that damn wookie must have shed. I thought this was rather funny, so I e-mailed it to a friend: he said, "lose my e-mail address". I love that.

han-made afghans. a pun even.

han, you see, was an expert knitter, having been trained by the ewoks to knit entire king-sized afghans in less than 10 parsecs (incidentally, this is more than 2 parsecs faster than the millenium falcon made the castle run---and i'm sure his knitting would far out run any imperial starship; my guess, though, is that he'd still abandon any smuggled cargo if boarded).

there is this little-known fact: the "empire" the rebels feared was in fact han's own knitting empire, making han a puppet master of sorts. he would ultimately control the universe (vader was a mere puppet, han was truly the emperor) and reep the rewards (getting gold from the rebels and getting one hell of a face lift from the imperials).

with this new information brought to light, one can not dismiss the truth. fact: afghans require wool. fact: wookies shed. heavily. and their fur is easily spun into wool. one wookie sheds enough wool in a month to produce enough afghans for the entire star wars universe (plus or minus any outsider who might pop into the cantina to watch obi wan lightsaber someone's arm off). fact: it is cold in space and on most of the planets in the star wars universe. thus, all beings in the star wars universe would require an afghan at some point. to keep warm.

han, realizing this, quietly stockpiled his afghans until he had enough for every known being in the star wars universe (he had sneaked into the jedii temple and read the tapes of all known planets and beings, yoda didn't see him do so; yoda was likely sensing some other disturbance in his force at the time, the dirty little green fucker.). as soon as han knew he had enough afghans, he caused a bit of disruption in the senate. the cost of oil increased, there was a fake war in iraq, etc. he even had the death star built as a distraction, knowing that one day he'd blow it up as a diversion.

another fact: han didn't believe in the force. he had a trusty blaster at his side. at all times. and he wasn't afraid to use it (poor, poor greedo).

thus, while the rebels were preoccupied with destroying the evil empire and luke was getting in touch with himself via the force (and one rather dirty old brit), han took down the entire system, one afghan at a time. laughing all the way to the intergallactic bank.

yours in blankets,

han solo's wookie's aunt's sister

If I wasn't trolling MySpace for young Asian lady boys just now, I wouldn't have noticed this:

A Bit More Buggery

I read the post "Lock up Your Eyeballs" over at The Pissed Kitty Cometh today and was inspired by the Pisser's challenge to locate the vagina. Old Pisser was kind enough to provide a link. So, I checked it out, then left the following as a comment to this post.

Hey Pisser. I lost my vagina a few years back in a tragic accident at the National Zoo. I was happy to see your link to locating it, so I figured I'd check it out and look for clues. Here's what I learned.

I've been trying to get preggers for some time now. Sadly, though, I must report that after a blissfull two days of amenorrhea (the absence, discontinuation, or abnormal stoppage of the menstrual period), I realized, thanks to taking those Flomax tablets (wait, I don't have a prostate), I've got a bout (or is it a drought?) of anovulation (the term for the absence of ovulation).

Well, here's to one more try. As self-correction is always an issue with me, I think I'll avoid artificial insemination (the placement of a sperm sample inside the female reproductive tract to increase the chances of fertilization and pregnancy), grab me a man whore, and revert to taking my basal body temperature (the body temperature taken at its lowest point of the day, typically in the morning before getting out of bed) and attempt the basal body temperature method (a method of predicting the time of ovulation by taking daily recordings of basal body temperature and charting the results). If I hope and pray, this may help me correct problems 1 and 2 above and prognosticate my egg-ready moment.

Day 12. Huzzah! It's mere moments later and I can totally feel a blastocyst (the mass of cells that form after several days of cell division by the fertilized egg) forming inside me. But shit, what the hell is that? Damn this breakthrough bleeding (bleeding that occurs between periods and is usually heavier than spotting); I thought this time I was properly knocked up. A moment please: I must away to discussion with my cervix (the opening to the uterus)---or at least to hammer the hell out of it with my trusty old vibratator (is that like a tator tot? but I digress).

Day 13. After that therapeutic moment *sigh*, I think I'll ask my OBGYN for some clomiphene citrate (a commonly prescribed drug used to stimulate ovulation). I'm sure that in a couple of weeks, she'll ask for a look at my corpus luteum (the mass of cells that form once the egg has been released from the ovary. [Incidentally, the corpus luteum produces progesterone---am I deficient there as well?]), to make sure I'm not faking it just for the drugs. I'm sure to deny this request as shoving an electron microscope in me after the pounding I took from that vibratator (tot) would not be pretty.

Day 29. I believe I've developed a cyst (a growth or mass filled with fluid or soft material. Ovarian cysts can cause difficulties with ovulation). Damn. Perhaps I'll rush to hospital for some dilation and curettage (a medical procedure where the cervix is manually dilated by a physician and a sample of the uterine lining is taken). I hope this isn't premature. But I've been dropped to my knees for the pain. Perhaps it's dysmenorrhea (difficult and painful menstruation), or I've got an ectopic pregnancy (also known as a tubal pregnancy, an ectopic pregnancy is the term used when the pregnancy occurs outside of the uterus, usually in the fallopian tubes). Better check on the old embryo (the term for the baby from the point of conception through the 8th week of pregnancy), where the hell did I shove that electron microscope? There it is. Oh, and apparently so also is a bit of endometriosis (a condition where the uterine mucous membrane (the endometrium) or other similar tissue grows in areas other than the uterus. This can affect the ovaries, fallopian tubes or abdominal cavity).

Day 67. Is it time for my routine check for estrogen (sex hormones produced by the ovaries. A rise in estradiol (E3G) is indicated by high Fertility on the clearblue easy fertility monitor---wow, product placement even).

Up the proverbial river and past the fallopian tubes (the paired tubes which connect the ovaries to the uterus and conduct the egg to the uterus. The fallopian tubes are where fertilization most often occurs), to gradmother's house we go. Don't trip over the fetus (the term for the baby from the beginning of the 9th week of pregnancy to the time of birth) or it's stem cell research for everyone. Yay! Wait, it's been nine whole weeks and no fibroids (benign tumors in or around the uterus that sometimes can cause miscarriages); but Jesus these hemroids are killing me. Hey look: follicles (the group of cells surrounding the egg in the ovary)---am I regressing through this pregnancy? Stupid alphabetical order. Hmmm, looks a bit damaged, better spray some follicle stimulating hormone (follicle stimulating hormone stimulates the development of ovarian follicles (eggs)) and spark the follicular phase (the beginning phase of the menstrual cycle during which the egg is ripening for ovulation). Apparently i've got several additional pieces to my feminine quarters making this all possible. Or impossible, whichever comes first.

Back along the fallopian highway, is that some human chorionic gonadotropin, or "hCG" (the hormone that is produced by the placenta. hCG is the hormone detected by pregnancy tests) on the side of the road there? better whip out my trusty XXXXXXXXpregnancy testXXXXXXXXX. Oh no, you may want to avert your eyes to this one: it's a gamete intrafallopian tube transferm, or "GIFT" (a surgical procedure in which a sperm-egg mixture is transferred into the fallopian tubes where natural fertilization may occur) gone wrong. Guess I was wrong above and went artificial after all. And I'm potentially suffering from infertility (a couple is considered infertile after having regular unprotected sex for one year and not having conceived or carried a pregnancy to term), although I haven't had any sex for the last 10 years.

Day 93. I've lost another one. But I must continue. Now my OBGYN wants me to try intrauterine insemination (a method of introducing a quantity of washed sperm directly into the uterus via a catheter to enhance the chances of fertilization. The purpose of IUI is to increase the number of sperm that reach the fallopian tubes and thus increase the chance of fertilization occurring), but I told her I'd rather try in vitro fertilization (a method of artificial insemination where both the egg and sperm are retrieved and fertilization takes place outside the body in the laboratory). She tells me that I have to wait until I've reached the luteal phase of my cycle (the third part of the menstrual cycle, immediately following ovulation until the next period, when progesterone is released by the corpus luteum) and take some supplemental luteinizing hormone (a hormone that triggers ovulation and is produced by the pituitary gland. A surge in LH is indicated as Peak Fertility on the Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor and is when your chances of conceiving are at their highest) to increase my chances.

Later that day, I began suffering from menorrhagia (heavy, prolonged menstrual bleeding), so I poked around the old oviduct (another word for fallopian tube), looking to see whether I had begun ovulation (the release of an egg [or ovum, in latin] from one of the ovaries). I'm sorry, but I'm really becomming tired of all this and I think I might have developed polycystic ovarian syndrome (a condition where multiple cysts form on the ovaries. This may cause infertility) somewhere along this long line. But it could just be premenstrual syndrome, or "PMS" (a combination of both physical and psychological symptoms occurring before the menstrual period).

Either way, it sucks, and I'm down right angry about my current levels of progesterone (the female sex hormone, produced in the corpus luteum, that creates a nourishing environment in the uterine lining after ovulation). Perhaps I'll make an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist (a physician who specializes in fertility-related issues), tell him that I can't stop spotting (a slight discharge of blood via the vagina), that I long for ice cream and testes (the male sex glands that produce sperm), and that my proverbial tubes are tied but I really don't want any kind of tubal ligation (a surgical procedure that involves ligation (closure) of the fallopian tubes to prevent an unfertilized egg from reaching the uterus [the location where the baby grows during pregnancy. The uterus is also called the womb]). I'm sure he's really only interested in the location of my vagina (the female organ of sexual intercourse and also the birth canal) though.

The last day. Looks like it's curtains for me. I guess I'm simply stuck admitting that I never really had a functional zona pellucida (the protective coating around the egg and early embryo), nor any shot at producing a healthy zygote (The term for a fertilized egg prior to it being an embryo), so I won't even bother with zygote intra-fallopian transfer, or "ZIFT" (the placement of fertilized eggs that have not yet begun cell division into the fallopian tube), and throw in the towel.

Incidentally, where is the penis in all of this?

I Own You

I'm trademarking the following phrases, in the order of importance to and use by me:

"I fucking hate you"

"Argyle is the new black"

"Hugs and mittens"

"Looks like (or sounds like) someone woke up on the wrong side of 'I'm an asshole' this morning"

If I see any of these "out there", I'll be expecting my royalty check.

Update (as of 319 PM EST---thanks bunny):

"Dude! You're Gay!" (exclamation points required. If I see "Dude, you're gay", I'll let it slide, as there simply is no pizazz without punctuation.)

Blogtarded

I realized this morning that it's time for me to stop ignoring the fact that I'm about as smart as a retarded hamster.

This a-ha moment didn't occur after I got shocked trying to remove my English muffin from the toaster with a fork. Or, after I rather pissed-offedly said why the fuck is my birthday going to be on November 23rd again. Rather, this realization occurred when I signed up on Blogroll and tried to publish a link list on my Blog.

Apparently my Blog is so cool that I'm making new fake internet friends almost daily. Yay me! I've been reading their Blogs and posting comments, and they've been reading mine and also leaving comments. It's fun. It's exciting. It must be that whole internet revolution thing that I saw an add on the tv for.

In reviewing my fellow Blogger's sites, I noticed that many of them have a link to something called "Blogroll" either above or below their lists of links. I figured I'd check this out and see if it could help me manage my now expanding link list.

I surfed on over to Blogroll and signed up for an account (it's free, otherwise my half-Jewishness would have prevented me from signing up). I then filled in the required information, including adding links to and names of the Blogs I want to appear in my link list. I followed the steps to get the code to embed in my Blog the soon-to-be-Blogroll-managed list. And poof. Not a fucking thing. Except a lone link to fucking Blogroll. It's right over there ---->

Now, I'm not the typical guy who refuses to ask for directions when I'm hopelessly lost. In fact, I've been known to break down and cry when I can't figure out where I am or how the hell I got there. Accordingly, I read Blogroll's user support documentation. Then I started to drool. Uncontrollably. I can't within my retarded little brain fire the synapses that equate to how in the fuck to get this service to manage my link list.

So, if out of the corner of your eye you see me jumping up and down in a circle while pounding my chest and drooling, please stop by and tell me how to use Blogroll. Or at least get me a helmet.

Author's note: Please, if you're one of the myriad people I called a moron over the years, do not take this to be any form apology: I still fucking hate you.

To New Fake Internet Friends

It seems that a bit of Blogger on Blogger crime I committed has resulted in a new fake internet friend. The English language-challenged guy who refers to himself as "The Governor" over at "A Guy and His Blog" has made a little post just for me: how sweet.

Cheers, my new fake friend. I'll see you soon.

Author's note: My sack was conveniently on a shelf at home the night I found this guy's Blog and left my first comment under the nom de plume "not you". I thought it was funny: it has stuck. Perhaps I'll one day reveal my true self to The Governor. Until then, my cowl is firmly in place.

A Bit of Buggery

In keeping with the tradition of establishing new year's resolutions, I've decided that mine this year will be to spend as much time as physically possible surfing the web reading and commenting on other people's blogs.

From time to time, I'll excerpt choice bits of found material to share with you, dear reader. I sincerely hope to find some great and inspired thoughts, but will not be surprised to find a bunch of crap---and I hope to hell there are pictures to support that crap.

Here's fair warning fellow blogger: I will be at your blog reading and leaving comments about the shit that's been sloshing around in your head so long that you found it important enough to share with random assholes like me who've managed to trip over your blog while wasting time online. Who knows, perhaps when you awake in the morning and sit down with your coffee to bask in the glow of adda boy comments the casual reader's made, you'll find I've left you a steaming pile of shit.

See you in the internet.

p.s. Blogging, by nature, is an interactive experience; therefore, please feel free to upload some of the choice bits of material you've found and perhaps commented on. You may either post a comment here or e-mail your text to me (see address under my complete profile) and I'll post it under separate cover. I also look forward to people ripping on my blog: don't be shy.