Saturday, January 20, 2007

The Ongoing Definitive List of Reasons Why I am Retarded

Today I know that I am retarded because:

1. I have been surfing the web almost continuously since just after 700 AM yesterday, and I do not intend to log off any time soon.

2. I am currently eating a frozen pizza and drinking coke (from a can). I did the same thing for dinner last night.

3. I am debating whether or not to work Star Wars into every comment I leave on other blogs from this point forward.

4. Coldplay is on the radio as I am typing this, and I am much too lazy to go into the other room and change the channel. (Clarification: I fucking hate Coldplay and hope that Gwyneth Paltrow gave them all anal herpes, either directly or indirectly. Incidentally, I had to google Ms. Paltrow to get the proper spelling of her name.)

5. I have a blog and actually keep it updated.

6. I am 33 years-old and have a MySpace account. And I keep it updated. In fact, I'm going to change the song on my MySpace player when I finish this post.

Update as of 23 January 2007:

7. I won't let coworkers touch me (as in hand shakes you dirty bastards), but I'll lay on the filthy floor.

Update as of 24 January 2007:

8. I can't tie my shoes without making two little loops with the laces (you know, they way we tied our shoes when we were 3). Consequently, I have to make double knots.


bunny said...

#6 does make you retarded or a whore. My ex was 33 and used myspace for sleazy hookups. You don't seem like a whore, so I guess you're retarded. Go you!

Rupert Devious said...

All along I thought fondleberries was a synonym for dingleberries, but I was so, so wrong. I feel empty inside. Who watches the watchmen? Why must I feel this way inside? Mom?

knottyboy said...

You should never google those you wish anal maladies on. I think it cheapens the whole googling experience. Anal warts are reserved for the Paltrows, republicunts and ass bandits that don't return phone calls.

BV said...

Okay, it's Jan 22...have you logged off yet?

Lord Fondleberries said...

. . . still online

le bruce bruce said...

I hope you chip a tooth on your frozen pizza.

Lord Fondleberries said...

kb: is googling by nature not a cheap experience, given that one can google anything from marshmallow fluff to bukkake films.

le bruce bruce: i would prefer to chip my teeth on a retard. also, i am now convinced that you are indeed an asian lady boy hopelessly searching for a smashing pair of pumps. but i heart you anyway. hard.

lord f

Anonymous said...

Hey hon, I've updated my myspace with real pictures.

Now you have to include me as a friend. I must be in your Top 8. I must!

BV said...

Okay, so I suck at word verification...that makes ME retarded.

BV said...

I say "Okay" a lot in comments...this also makes me retarded.

Didn't even realized I did it.

Egan said...

..that's immmpossssssiblllle...

Rob said...

You're not retarded. You're special.

grumblemurray said...

Do you eat the pizza still frozen?

What bunny said. #6 makes you retarded.