Wednesday, March 21, 2007

My Kingdom for a Plunger

I truly wish that the highlight of my day could be that feeling I get when I arrive at the bathroom at work to have a piss, only to realize that the toilet is chock full o nuts with someone else's shit and toilet paper. Again. Oh, and that first deeply drawn breath of the incredibly pungent accompanying odor. Alas, I cry a bit from hooking myself firmly in the zipper of my trousers, and walk, sulking, back to my cube with my back teeth floating in the piss I should have had.

Yes, I realize that I am a guy, and that yes, I should pee in urinals like my big-boy counterparts; but I am very afraid of germs. I don't even like to shake hands, and I certainly don't let most people touch me. I am especially afraid of those germs that might be found in and around public toilets: quite simply, I do not want any of what I send forth sprayed back at me, covered in friendly hangers on; sue me for desiring to remain clean. Ergo, I choose to pee in a regular toilet; and, no, I don't sit when I pee.

But, why is it, that invariably, after my fourth cup of coffee of the day, when mister bladder has had his fair share and tugs gently at my coattail to relieve him of his duties, I casually make my way into the bathroom at work, open the stall door, and find mister hanky the poo swimming in the deep end of the bowl with his toilet paper buddies? I am sure that when I was 10, I would have found this very amusing and gathered all three of my friends into the bathroom to see the dookie; but now, at 33, while taking a biobreak from my fabulously boring job, a bowl full of semi-digested waste is not something I look forward to, albeit, this is a regular occurrence at my office.

What's that, oh, it's a bit of throw up in my mouth. Yay!

What in the fuck is wrong with people that they think it's super ok to explode all over a public facility and walk, anonymously, away (without washing their filthy, shit-laden hands, I'm sure)? Perhaps I'll set up a hidden camera and record these bastards in the act, then upload the video to our corporate intranet under the Press Release section with the headline, "CEO Dumped, Stocks in the Shitter".


Rob said...

You should leave an "upper-decker"* for the bastard.

*An upper-decker is when you shit into the water holding tank, so when the next person flushes the toilet fills with your shit-steeped water.

furiousBall said...

One night I came home from work and asked my wife what I thought was a fair question, "do women take gigantic horrible shits when they're at work?"

She laughed and said "of course not, if you have to go really bad, you go home or find another place - it's rude to do that to others."

I've also noticed some do the courtesy flush, flushing after each and every poop that hits the water. I think the answer lies somewhere between evacuation of the building and multi-flushing consideration.

If someone is in the stall doing flat out wrongness to the facility, you could always get some toilet paper, run it under the sink and begin lobbing in soaking wet balls of TP at them. That usually makes them stop.

Jay said...

That's really horrible, in a kind-of-feel-bad-for-you way, but also in a kind-of-feel-mad-at-you-
for-making-me-read-about-it way also.

Rob said...

I just took a dump that made me reconsider my relationship with the Risen Christ.