Both of my biological(?) parents are closet drinkers, as in they don't drink to their full potential in public settings, but get them home---in a taxi that I had to pay for or after a drunk driving accident, whichever comes first---and sobriety is just another word that starts with a letter of the alphabet that their combined fourth grade education never got to. I question the biology, as there is still some faint glimmer of hope that a sane and caring couple will step forward and claim me as their long-lost child. If any of you tries to take that hope away, I'll cut off your balls and/or tits and mail them to you.
As should be obvious from the first line of this post, I seem to have picked up my parents' affinity for all things alcohol (and most things of little to no dietary quality). I sat, braised in a cheap wine that was almost entirely grape flavored vinegar by the time I got to drinking it, and I wondered how far the proverbial apple actually falls from the genetically mutated tree. In my case, the apple never fell, it was plucked and made into apple wine. Yay, booze! You see, when it comes to my second favorite pass time (after reading of course), I'm certainly out of the closet. Let's see:
Drunk at parties: check
Drunk at shows: check
Drunk at ballgames or while watching ballgames on tv: check and check
Drunk at your house: check
Drunk at my house: check
Drunk at work (but only during thirsty Thursdays, beer hour Fridays, and at lunch): check
Well, it would appear that I've got the bases fully covered, as it were.
Still, I can't help but wonder what things would be like if I had different parents. Perhaps I would have turned out like this
Alas, as you all know, I turned out like this
I'm working on a follow-up to this post, a transcript based on what I can rememeber of a phone conversation that I had with both of my parents while the three of us were sloshed. I think there was plenty of international intrigue, political scandal, general villainry, and Darth Vader. It should be incoherent at best. I'm looking forward to it being a huge flop in the blogosphere, much like the rest of my posts.