Monday, March 12, 2007

What Time is it?

I'm sick and fucking tired of daylight savings notifications, especially from the IT group at my company.

Yeah, I get it, you're on top of all things time as they relate to the crucial business function of our daily working lives which is IT. Good for you; great even. I'm excited for you, really, I am. But, why is it you have such the uncanny knack of not knowing anything IT-related that isn't video games and orange soda pop? So, please, you soiled-diapered wearing bastards (of young; hey, is that a replacements reference? it sure is, jethro, it sure is), stop sending me fucking e-mail notifications every 30 fucking minutes telling me to do something, vaguely, because it's fucking daylight savings time!

Thanks to the barrage of September-the-eleventh-two-thousand-and-one-style terrifying, doom and gloom, Osamma's gonna bite clean through my momma's red, white, and blue ass with his anti-democracy and hiv-filled fangs, daylight savings e-mails I've received in the last 8 (count 'em, 8) fucking weeks, I've stock-piled enough canned tomato soup and bottled water to sustain the entire human race until Heyseuss comes back for crumpets and tennis at Wimbledon. Holy shit-fucking dump truck filled with decapitated dolls and stuffed bunny rabbits: turning the company clocks ahead happened in the past, you monkeys.

I no longer need to ready myself for the catastrophic events that comprise meeting times moved ahead one hour in my calendar, or looking to the little Mircosoft clock in the corner of my screen to see that it's been successfully advanced one hour. You're technological geniuses, I understand.

I do not believe, nor do I give a steaming pile of shit, however, that advancing our clocks one hour took the entire IT department plus the fucking bazillion contract IT shitheads you claim it did, 8 weeks of planning to push a fucking button. Hey, I took a shit today, and wiped after: where's my fucking parade?

Look, I love Bob the semi-retarded, pear-shaped, zit-encrusted help desk guy as much as anyone (no shit he's semi-retarded: he wears headgear, but it's for playing video games, he says; Nintendo rules!). I especially love him, to pieces, when he can't figure out how to re-map the network drive his team, striking under a covert operation, decided to delete without asking how important the files i and the other 75 members of my department thought it necessary to back up on that drive for the last up to 8 years. Fuckers. But, for fuck's sake, did we really need all 72 (tee-hee, I counted, there are seventy-fucking-two of them) corporate-wide e-mails telling us not to forget about daylight savings time? And the FAQ e-mails about daylight savings time that followed this major accomplishment in the evolution of man? Seriously, I didn't learn anything valuable about day light savings time in any of these e-mails. Where, for example, did the idea of daylight savings time originate? Or, why did this event occur 2 weeks early this year, but not in the UK? Are folks in the UK more special than other folks? (Well, they do bow to a queen on a regular basis, but so don't many of us.)

Alas, I guess there might be a need for the deluge of stupidly crafted e-mails, as I tend to forget that I work with others, approximately 2500 others. And they're all at the very least semi-retarded, like my buddy Bob the IT guy. And how do I know this? Here is an excerpt from the most recent set of FAQ:
What if my workstation or Blackberry does not have the proper time displayed?

Please restart your workstation/Blackberry, if the correct time does not display after the restart please your local Helpdesk. The Helpdesk can verify that the Daylight Savings Time patch has been installed.

How can I confirm the actual time in other time zones?

While in your MS Outlook please select Tools/Options/Calendar Options /Time Zone. This will give you the option to view dual time zones please select the appropriate time zones and you can view dual time zones on the calendar. If the time zone does not reflect the proper time zone in your calendar please readd the time zone.

Although there are so many favorite parts of these bits to choose, I selected this one because it provides the most options: "if the correct time does not display after the restart please your local Helpdesk".

Please what my local Helpdesk? Kick their legs out from under them and fuck them in the skull with a Unix user manual? Or, call them to my desk emergently, then duck tape their ass to my chair (if they fit), and push twinkies in their fat, zitted faces? Or, perhaps, print the 72 daylight savings time e-mails, roll them tightly, beat the living shit out of them with the roll, then ram that roll in their cake-filled asses?

Oh, oh, oh. Wait. Hold it. I got it: please my local Helpdesk. I get it, they're fucking clueless side-show attractions who couldn't make a keyboard stroke with their flipper hands, but I'm the ass who gets fucked in the ear. Super.


Your IT department, thanks to your significant efforts to keep the help out of Helpdesk, sucks harder than original Nintendo. Nice work.

P.S. Hey, fuckstick, I'm the guy who spilled coffee on that Helpdesk Superstar certificate that hangs in your dirty cube to help with your daily affirmations: I'm good enuf and smrat enoug and peeple lick me!


furiousBall said...

Oh man, I completely identify with this. I am an IT guy and I hate tooting my own horn. I refuse to get that rib removed...oh wait, not that kind of horn tooting.

Anyway, a great relief was getting promoted into management. See as a manager, I can give the credit to my developers. But I do adhere to it being a real accomplishment, and I plan on giving them each a "World's Best Grandpa" t-shirt every time they do something great.

Fievel Goes West said...

Duct tape

DUCT as in air duct or tear duct

Not DUCK like "Look out, here comes a projectile!"


Not quack, quack DUCK


Lord Fondleberries said...

furiousball: i suggest also giving them a roll of duck tape.

fievel: the east is where it's at. i tried out several versions of tape before landing on "duck". first, there was "duke" tape, but i didn't want that cutting into my lordness. then there was "ducked", but i figured that would be too close to the proper name. i finally landed on "duck" tape when i remembered and looked at my profile image.

If Then Goto said...

I am a lifelong IT professional, and it is dickwads like you that give me heartburn. I will cut you from gash to gullet and fuck your steaming innards, you ingrate. MS-DOS will fit right up your tight, plebian ass!

Jay said...

Poor Bob.
Life sounds hard for a guy like that.
He's got a lot working against him.

Jay said...

Poor Bob.
Life sounds hard for a guy like that.
He's got a lot working against him.

Lord Fondleberries said...

if then: you should go fuck yourself. but, hey, keep up the mediocre work. i'll send tums, i promise. as long as you keep e-mailing about daylight savings time.

jay: thanks for caring enough to comment twice.

Crashdummie said...

Hey, no bad-talking the ol' Nintendo - I happend to like it back when super mario bros & tetris ruled!!!

Steph said...

As a semi-former IT professional, I take some exception to your comments. First, let me just say that every organization has a Bob. Mine was 'Fucking Bob' because he was such a fuckhead.

As far as inundating you with information, there are two schools of thought:
1) Tell them everything so you can say "we told you" - knowing full well that no one reads anything so it's a waste of time.
2) Don't tell them anything - and be prepared for the shit storm that follows.

The bottom line is that this new DST bullshit was a big fucking nightmare for IT and because Microsoft is full of Bobs, most of their software was severely effected. Their only suggestions for making sure appointments were scheduled correctly was to "type in the time of the meeting in the subject line". It's all bullshit, I don't even notice the extra hour of light, just that I'm getting up in the dark again. We can thank W for that...way to go.

Wait, I just thought of something...W is the Bob of America!