Saturday, March 3, 2007

It's Just Words

As a self-proclaimed grammar Nazi, I'm usually acutely aware of the ways in which native English-speaking people mangle the English language. I find most errors rather funny at first, but I'm a scosh obsessive, so I feel the need to and do point out flaws and/or make corrections where and when I've not been invited to do so. Most people I know chalk this up to my being a dick. I'm ok with that.

My most recent crusade has been to right the great "then" vs. "than" wrong that so many of you are guilty of committing. The difference is rather simple.

Then should be used when referring to the chronological order of a set of events, as in
"I was reading your blog, then I realized that you were a shithead."
Then can also be used to define a condition, as in
"If you don't know the difference between then and than, then you should not be allowed to blog."
Than, on the other hand, should be used to make a comparison, as in
"Your use of the English language is worse than a retarded monkey's."

Now that I've cleared this up for you, if you insist on writing a phrase like, "I am older then Bob", you should have your pinky fingers removed and a dictionary thrown at your head, and if you think it's ok to use a phrase like, "If you can provide a full description, than you should know", then I'm not so sure you should be allowed to blog anymore.

Onward grammar soldiers to more fucked-upped grammatical mangling.

Today, Heather said, "Marky Mark and the Funchy Bunk." Apparently she was so excited by Mr. Mark's buffness (or something) that she botched the name of the band. What could she have been thinking? Was it, "mmmmm, he's funchy?" Or, "I'd love to get me some of that hot funchy bunk." Either way, it was hilarious to hear her say that. I'm going to refer to myself as funchy from now on. Maybe in conversation, I'll ask people, "hey, are you feeling funchy today?"

So, what are some of your favorite language fuck-ups?


le bruce bruce said...

Once, a woman I work with, sent me an email using the words "should of" when she actually neant "should've" or "should have".

I should of slapped her than punch her in the throat.

le bruce bruce said...

oops - I meant "meant" not "neant"

fuckin retard

le bruce bruce said...

another good one is "it's" vs. "its".

bunny said...

Regional grammar pet peeve - spelling the contraction you + all as ya'll instead of y'all. Makes me want to tear out throats and start a soylent green franchise.

Lord Fondleberries said...

le bruce bruce: i believe you also meant to write "punched her in the throat." note the "-ed". it would have been kick ass had you wrote it mickey spillane style, as in "yeah, see, she was a tough old dame, what couldn't spell worth beans, sos i shouldda punched her in the da troat."

i agree about the it's vs. its thing. although, i'm a douche and have been guilty of fucking that in it's skull from time to time.

bunny: any way you slice it, texas sucks donkey balls covered in monkey shit flavored with george w. bush's born again neocon spunk. you do win 4 dungeons and dragons hit points for the soylent green reference.

Sara said...

One person I know used "all the sudden" - in print, even - and when I corrected her (nicely), didn't believe that it should be "all of a sudden." It was a couple of years ago and it still annoys me.

Lord Fondleberries said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lord Fondleberries said...

sorry kids, my own grammar is apparently too sucky-fucky (thanks booze!). following is the correct comment.

sara: i fucking hate that, too. when i hear some fucktard say "all the sudden", i usually interrupt with, "you mean 'suddenly', not 'gradually over time'?" if i had real balls (or any balls), i'd also punch the pile of retarded dribble in the taint.