Saturday, February 3, 2007

A Seatbelt, A Shot of Windex, and My Crotch

Last night, while drunk and driving home from dining out, I was heard saying, "it only has to look like it's on". I was referring to my seatbelt.

I'm normally a safety conscious driver. I put on my seatbelt before starting the car. I am aware and considerate of other drivers. I use the directional to signal upcoming turns, even when turning into my driveway. When I'm lit and driving, however, anything goes. I fancy myself a cannonballer at such times. Dah, Dah, Dah! Captain Chaos!

Last night, after slinging back a few (including what I am fairly sure was a double shot of Windex with a splash of lemon juice in it), the Captain appeared to chariot me home.

I was skillfully swirving over the yellow line and back while hiccupping madly, when I saw straight ahead the flashing blue lights of a police car. Realizing that I was a) hammered, b) driving (and rather fucked uppedly so), and c) not wearing my seatbelt (which would tack an additional twenty dollar fine onto the ticket I was sure to receive), I reached over my shoulder for the seatbelt. I managed to grab the belt, yank it across my body, and fasten it securely to my crotch at the exact moment I passed the police car.

From the passenger seat (yes, I was endangering more than just my own life), I heard, "Jesus Christ! Buckle it for fuck's sake!"

I replied, "I can't, but fuck it, it only has to look like it's on."

Luckily, the cop was preoccupied on the opposite side of the road handing a ticket to another driver. And I wasn't drunk. Ok, I was.

See you on the roadways.


Tobias Beecher said...

Wait until you end up in Oz, bitch. I have a boner just waiting for your virgin ass. Seatbelt or not, it won't matter.

Vern Schillinger said...

Fuck you, Beecher, his Jew white ass is mine!

Adebisi said...

I'm goan knock his teef out and make his mouf a prison pussy!

Lord Fondleberries said...

you're all too sweet.

lord f

knottyboy said...

Gurl I would have been more than happy to fondle your berries and DRIVEN at the same time. I'm a multi-tasker hon.

Uncle Roy said...

Can I get a reacharound?