At least three to four times a week while I'm at work, sitting in my very public cube that just happens to be outside my boss's office, I get a phone call from some Job Recruiter. The phone call always begins the same way, as though some classified bit of government information is about to be revealed to me---and only me in true James Bond fashion. The caller whispers, "Hi. Scott? Is this a good time to chat?"
Now I only have a few friends, and this voice doesn't belong to any of them, so I'm intrigued by the mysterious message that is sure to follow. I'm thinking that I'll be given the details of when the president will be assassinated, or that Jesus is back to save us all and he'll be contacting me via carefully placed messages in the SuperCoups envelopes that come with the Stop and Shop circulars. But this isn't the case.
Instead, some bubble-headed retard of a Recruiter wants to talk me into taking a new job that is completely unrelated to any of the skill sets I have.
"I see you've been writing for Drugs R Us for a couple of years now," the Recruiter says, "are things good there?"
"Yes," I say, "things are quite good and I never want to leave. It's the bestest place in the whole world, next to unicorn land, of course."
"Well," they continue, "I've got a great opportunity that I think fits your skills perfectly. I can't tell you the name of the company or where they're located, but I just know this position would be G R E A T for you. Do you think you'd be interested?"
On the other end of the line, I'm wondering whether this is an intentional pause or if the Recruiter actually believes that I'll say yes and instantly take this fabulously vague new job. I'll bite. "Sure," I say, "tell me about it."
"Great! You'll be selling shoe leather proofing products. Actually, wait a minute---tee hee---I'm seeing now in the description the company gave me that it's a more specialized position. You'll be selling leather proofing products for men's sandles."
Apparently I'm a great fit for this job, because I've listed on my resume that I was a Proof Reader at one point.
How does one get the illustrious job of Recruiter. Perhaps you are an individual who is highly skilled in the areas of employment and employee relations who wants to lend your knowledge and professional network to those who are looking for career advancement via a new job at a new firm, or to lend a helping hand to those who are starting out in the professional world or who are currently between jobs.
Alas, you are not such charitable, benevolent beings. You are, in fact, quite the opposite.
After years of dealing with these evil fuckers, I now understand that to be a Recrutier, one must possess certain traits, which I have boiled down to the following four simple points (in the event a Recruiter is reading this---see #3 below):
1. I am a sucubus (I enjoy sucking the life out of people in mere moments).
2. I have an annoyingly bubbly personality and L O V E chatting all about you, even though I know nothing about you (tee hee).
3. I am impressively unable to gather or synthesize relevant information (or any information for that matter---tee hee).
4. Every breath I take should be considered Grand Larceny as I am stealing valuable oxygen.
If any of these apply to you, I suggest that you immediately give up your current career aspirations and become a Recruiter.
There. I said it. Now stop cold-calling me about all those exciting, new, non-existent job opportunities in the fast-paced, deadline-driven (but laid back) environments of up-and-coming companies that do not exist. And drop dead. Until, of course, I need you to find me a new job because my boss has shit canned me for talking on the phone with you idiots.
Author's note: No offense to my friend Helen who is a fabulous in-house recruiter.